English News
Brussels and London:
European Commission in Brussels has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiation, Her Majesty's (UK) Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. If zis mad yu smil, ples pas it on to oza pepl. Ozaviz, delet.
Dublin:
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
Dublin:
Reporter asked a passerby on the street: "Do you like Toulouse-Lautrec?"
Passerby: "No, I don't like to loose anything."
Glasgow:
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip
and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?
"The other old lady said, "-It's a condom." "-A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her what size she wanted.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "one that will fit a Camel!"
Er fragt also nach hinten: "Where are you from?" Sagt der Mann: "We are from Switzerland."
Fragt sie: "Was hat er gesagt?" (Sie kann nämlich kein Englisch!) Er: "Er hat uns gefragt, wo wir herkommen und ich habe ihm gesagt, dass wir aus der Schweiz sind."
Nach einer Zeit fragt der Fahrer: "And where do you live in Switzerland?" Er: "We live in Basel."
Sie wieder: "Was hat er gesagt?" Er (schon leicht frustriert): "Er hat gefragt, wo wir in der Schweiz leben und ich sagte ihm in Basel."
Sagt der Fahrer: "Oh, my god, in Basel I had the worst fuck in my life!"
Sie: "Was hat er gesagt?" Er: "Er kennt Dich!"
London:
Ein Deutscher sitzt in einem Pub und bestellt: "Martini please".
Barkeeper: "Dry?" Deutscher: "No, only one".
London:
In der Londoner U-Bahn sitzen sich eine junge und sehr attraktive Frau und ein Geschäftsmann gegenüber.
Pirmasens (in der Pfalz):
Ein englischer Kunde in einem deutschen Elektrogeschäft:
Kunde: "Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb?" Verkäufer: "For what?"
Kunde: "No, two." Verkäufer: "To what..."
Kunde: "Yes." Verkäufer: "No"
Kunde: "Thank you. Goodbye" Verkäufer: "Goodbye"
European Commission in Brussels has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiation, Her Majesty's (UK) Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. If zis mad yu smil, ples pas it on to oza pepl. Ozaviz, delet.
Dublin:
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
Dublin:
Reporter asked a passerby on the street: "Do you like Toulouse-Lautrec?"
Passerby: "No, I don't like to loose anything."
Glasgow:
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip
and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?
"The other old lady said, "-It's a condom." "-A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her what size she wanted.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "one that will fit a Camel!"
London:
Ein älteres Schweizer Ehepaar kommt zwecks Urlaub am Londoner Flughafen an und nimmt sich ein Taxi zum Hotel. Die Fahrt dauert etwas länger und daher denkt sich der Taxifahrer, er muss jetzt etwas Konversation machen.Er fragt also nach hinten: "Where are you from?" Sagt der Mann: "We are from Switzerland."
Fragt sie: "Was hat er gesagt?" (Sie kann nämlich kein Englisch!) Er: "Er hat uns gefragt, wo wir herkommen und ich habe ihm gesagt, dass wir aus der Schweiz sind."
Nach einer Zeit fragt der Fahrer: "And where do you live in Switzerland?" Er: "We live in Basel."
Sie wieder: "Was hat er gesagt?" Er (schon leicht frustriert): "Er hat gefragt, wo wir in der Schweiz leben und ich sagte ihm in Basel."
Sagt der Fahrer: "Oh, my god, in Basel I had the worst fuck in my life!"
Sie: "Was hat er gesagt?" Er: "Er kennt Dich!"
London:
Ein Deutscher sitzt in einem Pub und bestellt: "Martini please".
Barkeeper: "Dry?" Deutscher: "No, only one".
London:
In der Londoner U-Bahn sitzen sich eine junge und sehr attraktive Frau und ein Geschäftsmann gegenüber.
Er sieht sich ein Herrenmagazin an, sie ist in ihre Zeitung vertieft.
Nach einer Weile und einigen verstohlenen Blicken auf die hübsche Frau sagt der der Geschäftsmann zu der hübschen Frau: "Miss, would you like my PLAYBOY?"
Sie lächelt ihn an: "No, thank you Sir. I have my TIMES!"Pirmasens (in der Pfalz):
Ein englischer Kunde in einem deutschen Elektrogeschäft:
Kunde: "Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb?" Verkäufer: "For what?"
Kunde: "No, two." Verkäufer: "To what..."
Kunde: "Yes." Verkäufer: "No"
Kunde: "Thank you. Goodbye" Verkäufer: "Goodbye"